


wake each day with your thoughts

by thelemonisinplay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Awareness Week, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Friendship, Gen, Marauders, Underage Drinking, background Lily/James, none of the Marauders are straight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 11:44:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelemonisinplay/pseuds/thelemonisinplay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is interested in kissing and relationships and things. Sirius Black is not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wake each day with your thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I've been intending to write this for ages, but it didn't exactly come out how I expected it to, so if there are any glaring errors or anything please let me know!
> 
> Title from Bastille's Sleepsong, because I hate titling and that's what I'm listening to right now.
> 
> (And just in case it's an issue: there's a little bit of swearing in this, but nothing too big)

Peter's the first one to have a girlfriend, at twelve. It's the end of first year, and he and Mary Macdonald spend the entirety of June walking around hand-in-hand and, sometimes, kissing; cheeks blushing identically, soft and pink, when it happens.

James, who's spent the best part of three months pining after that tiny Hufflepuff who sits next to him in Charms, is fascinated, constantly asking Peter what it's like, having a girlfriend.

"It's great," says Peter, with a slight swagger that doesn't suit him at all. "She's great."

Sirius says nothing, because he has nothing to say.

-*-

Remus is the second one to kiss somebody, at thirteen, by which time Peter and Mary have long been over. He manages to get himself into a week-long relationship with a sweet, friendly Ravenclaw in their year, and then panics at the prospect of coming out as a werewolf, and ends it.  
James tells him he's being idiotic, that he would never have had to mention the lycanthropy, but Remus can't get past the fear; would rather live through relative awkwardness than risk anybody else finding out.

Sirius, who's seen the hearts adorning the top of every piece of homework James hands in, suspects that he just wants to live vicariously through Remus's relationship.

-*-

By fourth year, it seems very, very clear to Sirius that everybody else is very, very interested in Dating. James and Peter keep abandoning them on Hogsmeade weekends in favour of girls. Remus has spent what seems like forever trying to talk himself out of fancying anybody. And Sirius, who's beginning to feel rather behind, starts trying to force feelings for every girl who's at all pretty.

He tries kissing a couple of them - that little third-year who's been following him around for weeks, looking hopeful; that Ravenclaw Keeper who always misses James's goals; even Lily Evans, once.

It's alright, he supposes. A nice enough feeling. Nothing that would explain the excitement, the hype, the way everybody obsesses over it like it's the best thing in the world.

He starts to wonder if perhaps he's crossed a line between being _late_ noticing girls, and _never_ noticing girls.

And then James finds himself with a girlfriend. An actual, honest-to-god girlfriend, not just a single Hogsmeade date after which they never talk again.

They're only together for four months, but it's four months of James sneaking off into the Hufflepuff common room to giggle and kiss and ... whatever else it is they do, and Sirius doesn't like it.

And Peter's always the same when he's got a girlfriend, always spends less time with them, but there's something different about the prickle of irritation and the roll of the eyes that is Sirius's response to Peter disappearing, and the restless aggravation he feels whenever James is with Mandy.

For a while, he wonders if he's stumbled upon the reason for his disinterest in girls. It would make sense - after all, if you don't fancy girls, the only real alternative is fancying boys, isn't it? And obviously, _obviously_ , it would be James.

He distances himself from James then, trying desperately not to fancy him because he doesn't want that, doesn't want to be quietly, miserably pining after his best friend, doesn't want the isolation that he knows accompanies being a boy and fancying boys (but at the same time, sort of hoping he does, because at least that's proof that he feels _something_ ); and James spends weeks being utterly bemused by the sudden change in dynamics.

Mandy breaks up with him, eventually; and Peter's stash of Firewhisky is brought out for the occasion of cheering him up, and they spend that Saturday evening getting completely smashed in their dormitory.

Neither of them is entirely clear on how it happens - it's early, before they're anywhere past tipsy, but the entire evening's sort of melted together in their memories so that the order of events is lost to them - but somehow (Sirius suspects he had initiated it, but he can't be certain), he and James end up kissing.

And ... well, nothing. It's not really that different from kissing girls, Sirius thinks - kind of nice, but not something he particularly wants to repeat; and he's not sure whether he ought to feel relieved or disappointed.

-*-

The following morning, after a couple of hours of thoughtful self-assessment, Peter comes and sits on the end of his bed, and straight-up asks if he's gay.

"It's fine if you are," Remus says hurriedly, rushing back into the dormitory half-dressed, with dripping wet hair and clutching a towel. "I mean, if you can accept my - my -"

"Furry little problem," James cuts in from the next bed, where he's still lying, curled up in the foetal position and facing Sirius.

"- yes, that," Remus continues, a little smile appearing on his face, "- well, if you can accept that, it's easy to be fine with you fancying boys."

"I've fancied boys before too," Peter shrugs.

"And you've got to have heard about Evans and Wilson being together," James adds. "I mean, there's a lot less fuss about it these days, apparently even the Muggles have caught up and legalised it."

"Evans and Wilson?" Remus asks, a look of greatest surprise on his face. "You mean, Lily and Helena? _Really_?"

"That's not really the point here, Moony, is it?" Sirius says, sitting up against the headboard of his bed and grinning.

"Oh! No, I'm sorry, Sirius, I -"

"'Sides, I'm afraid you're all wrong," Sirius continues, ignoring Remus's interruption.

Peter's eyebrows knot together into a confused sort of frown. James and Remus share a glance.

"So you're not gay?" Remus asks, his tone oddly guarded in a way that Sirius can't quite make out.

Sirius shuffles, readjusts his duvet, and shrugs. "Well, if I'm honest, I'm not sure I've ever fancied anybody," he says, a little uncertainly.

There's silence for a moment while the rest of them try to work this out in their minds, and Sirius finds himself tensing up, fists clenching, in an attempt to curb the fluttery nervous feeling that's just appeared in his stomach.

"Weird," says James, as ever, the first to recover. "I 'spect loads of people are the same, though, you just don't really hear anyone talking about it."

-*-

It's years later before Lily Evans finds him concrete proof that James is right, that he's not alone. They're seventeen, and it's the summer before seventh year, and Sirius has just shown up outside her house on his shiny new motorbike, ready to take her to the gathering at James's. (James had initially wanted to come along too, and Sirius had been completely up for enlarging the motorbike by magic so that the three of them would be able to fit on it, but Mrs Potter had put her foot down and told James that he was under no circumstances to abandon his other guests in favour of collecting Lily.)

And Lily is sat on the front step, surrounded by books, completely immersed in whatever she's reading until she hears the roar of the motorbike, and looks up to grin at the boy sliding gracefully off it.

"Hi, Evans," he grins, plonking himself down on the step beside her. "Good book?"

"Muggle academia. My cousin's specialising in gender and sexuality studies at uni, and she's come to stay with us for the summer while she finds a house," Lily says, and then, a slightly sheepish smile crossing her face, "Mum thinks I'm mad, reading all this, says it's got to be completely different in the wizarding world anyway. It's interesting, though."

"Cool. You should show these to Remus, I think he'd like this sort of stuff," says Sirius. He leans lazily back against the wall, and picks up one of the books from the pile closest to him. "What the fuck is asexuality?"

Lily puts her book down, and peers over at the one Sirius is clutching. "Oh, I've read that one! It's this new term, apparently, that book was only written recently. It's the word for people who aren't sexually attracted to anyone, you know, like bisexual is for people who are attracted to two genders." She pauses, then, eyes widening almost comically in realisation. "I s'pose that'd be the word for you, then, if you wanted it," she adds.

"I s'pose it would," says Sirius thoughtfully, and flashes a grin at her. "And here I was thinking my brain had just decided to switch off that section for fear of me carrying on the family tradition of marrying my cousins," he adds, standing swiftly up and making his way to the bike. "C'mon, Evans, I thought you wanted a go on my motorbike, I've got to make Prongs jealous at some point today."

A blush crawls up Lily's cheeks as she clambers up behind him. "Fuck off, Black, we're not actually together."

"Not yet," says Sirius cheerily. "I'm sure I'll be best man at your wedding soon enough though, and I'll spend the entire night disappointing all the single people with my asexuality."

Lily shoves Sirius's back, but he's too busy starting up the motorbike to notice.


End file.
